Thursday, February 21, 2013

Something Personal

I've questioned whether or not to share this.  Even as I sit here and type it out I am having second thoughts.  I am not sure what I am so scared of, or why I am ashamed of it.  Originally, Darren and I said we didn't want this as public knowledge.  Why?  I don't know.  That's how we are.  But, the more I've read and learned, the more I think it's time to share this.  It's common, so why not?

It all started back in May of 2012....

Darren and I were ready to have another baby.  We had talked about it, and were both in the same place emotionally.  We decided to start trying, because we had no idea how long it would take.  I should've known better, especially from my past experience when I got pregnant with Ryder.  I took the test the end of May, and was surprised to see "pregnant" displayed as the result.  I had just stopped taking the pill, so, I was really expecting it to take a little longer..but, it happened just as quick as it did with Ryder.  We were thrilled, scared, and excited to become parents to another little miracle and for Ryder to be a big brother!

Even then, something didn't feel right....but, I brushed it aside.  I took 5 tests total, and each came up with the same result: pregnant.  I called my doctor and made an appointment for when I would be 8 weeks along.  I had a little bit of morning sickness in the beginning and some cravings, and overall I was feeling really good.  But, even with that, something felt off....

Darren came with me to that first appointment.  I had my initial exam, and was transferred to the ultrasound room to see if we could pick up the heart beat on our little one.  The doc started the ultrasound, and I knew something was wrong.  He found a small gestational sac, but, upon first glance it didn't look like anything was inside.  He zoomed in more, and we all saw something small inside, but, the doc couldn't find a heartbeat.  He thought I was possibly earlier than we all thought, so he wanted to re-check me in a week, and do another ultrasound to see if anything grew.  In the meantime, I went ahead and had the necessary bloodwork done, just to make sure the numbers were in the 'good range' for early pregnancy.  I was a mess at that point.  Thank goodness Darren was with me and I didn't have go through that appointment alone.  I called the office the next day, and the blood results looked good, and the hormone levels were consistant with those in early pregnancy.  This made me feel a bit better, but, I still knew something was wrong.

The following week Darren and I headed back to the doctor, and went straight to the ultrasound room.  The sac had grown, and the doctor could see more inside, but, again, no heartbeat.  He wanted me to get more blood tests done to make sure the hormone levels were rising, and wanted me to come back in one week for another ultrasound.  At this point, I knew this pregnancy wasn't going to happen.  Darren told me to be optimistic, but, I just couldn't.

The next day, I got a phone call from the doctor while I was at work, advising my hormone levels from the previous day's blood tests were dropping, meaning, I was going to miscarry, and there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening.  He left it up to me: I could wait and let it happen on its own; or I could schedule a D & C right away so I wouldn't have to go through the actual miscarriage.  I asked him his opinion, and he said it was ultimately up to me, but, he recommended the D & C.  So, that's what I decided on, and I scheduled the procedure for the following day.
I still hate the fact that I found this out at work.  I had no one to turn to, because no one knew that I had been expecting.  I ended up telling a good friend that day, which helped a little.  Darren works third shift, and was home sleeping, so he had no idea any of this was happening.  I cried hysterically at my desk and couldn't breathe....I just kept thinking about what we were losing.  It didn't seem fair, and it still doesn't.

The next day I had the procedure done.  I put on my brave face and was able to get through the pre-surgery agenda without crying.  After it was done, Darren was with me in recovery as I came out of anesthesia, and I remember crying, and saying we weren't having a baby anymore.

This is where I went down hill.  Prior to this, I had been really good about watching what I ate and maintaining a healthier weight and exercising/walking regularly.  That all went out the window.  I was depressed, and not just 'boo-hoo' depressed, but, I had a serious problem.  I stopped caring about myself.  I lashed out at everyone when they would mention anything about what had happened.  I couldn't talk to anyone about it, not even Darren or my mom/dad.  I didn't want to.  I was fine when I was with Ryder, whether we were playing/cuddling/whatever else, he made me feel better.  But, once he went to bed or he wasn't with me at a particular time, I couldn't handle it. I hated everything and didn't want to deal with anything.  To this day, I regret not going to talk to someone about this.  Especially now, when I still have the occasional  'episode' or 'meltdown.'  I've gotten better about talking to Darren about what's happened and how I am feeling, but, I still need to work on this.

After this happened, I kept myself busy with other things: shopping; eating; and photography.  I put on a happy face for everyone outside of my family and on this blog, which was exhausting.  It was so incredibly tiring pretending to be happy when all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and not do a damn thing.

It's gotten better over these last few months.  We told some of our close friends what had happened, and their love and support mean the world to us.  I know we are luckier than others can say....we already have a beautiful little boy that is absolutely perfect, and a family that loves us and supports us no matter what. But, all of that didn't make this experience any easier or give us any less heartache.  I know people struggle with infertility issues and whatever else on a daily basis, and, believe me when I say they are some of the strongest people. 

Our baby would have been born earlier this month, so I'm sure that's why my mind is on this today, and has been every day for quite some time.  It feels better to get this out in the open.  I've read so many articles and blogs, and I realize this happens more than we all might think.  It's so common, and there's no reason to be ashamed of it.  Not at all.

Thanks for reading, friends.  :-)


Lisa said...

I am so sorry you had to go through this. Thoughts heading your way. <3

Kaitlyn's Life and Blogs said...

I want to let you know I will be praying for you if you want me to of course. I have friends that have gone through this too. So you are not alone.

Tamara said...

I think the first step in any healing process is talking to people & finding support. It seems like you're really working on that - and you should be so proud.
Losing something as precious as a baby is hard, hard stuff. Thank you for sharing, you're amazing & Ryder is so lucky to have you as a mother - and so was your little bean, even if it was for a short time.
If you ever want an unbiased ear, you know where I am.
Love ya girl.

Lauren {at} Life.Love.Lauren said...

I am so sorry. Keep strong and love and prayers sent your way!

Abbey said...

I'm so sorry you went through this. But I am also so thankful for your bravery in posting this, in sharing with us, in sharing with your friends. It's not an easy thing. I don't think it would have been wrong to keep it quiet, but I think you never know who you'll be helping by putting your story out there.

I hope you continue to heal and feel better. Not an easy thing to go through.

Love love love.

Jarrin :: Raquel :: Rocky said...

said a prayer for you and thanks for being brave enough to share! and you're 100% right - NO SHAME AT ALL in this! you will be stronger because of it!

Lynne said...

Losing a baby is devastating - I know from first hand experience. It is OK to grieve - how could you not? You guys lost a family member. I really did find that talking about it helped. And, I think you are pretty astute to realize that this might be worse right now because this would have been the baby's birth time. I remember being at a Christmas party for my work the year after our loss happened - one of my co-workers had their baby there, a baby who was the same age (within a week or two) as our child would have been. It was a very bittersweet moment when I realized that. I wish I had a great magic answer that would make all the pain go away - but I don't. Just hold on to each other and keep going forward. Hugs and prayers.

Tanika Rice said...

I am so incredibly sorry you had to go through this experience. No woman should have to deal with losing a child, no matter what stage of pregnancy or life. My heart and prayers go out to you. <3 <3

Amy said...

So sorry that you had to experience this! Sending you thoughts & prayers on your journey! xoxo

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